Yesterday I was having a lazy morning, until one of my best friends invited me on an adventure down to New Haven to run an errand. New Haven is about an hour away from my house, and I haven't been down there in a year and a half (the last time I was there was to pick Carrie up at the train station for Christmas 2011).
We happened to be on a side street, when we saw people staring and pointing at an upper level of a nearby parking garage. Suddenly there were emergency vehicles everywhere, and a body on the ground.
I later found out that the young woman who fell, or jumped, died of her injuries. One of the articles can be found here.
I have so many questions today, processing what I saw and what happened.
Why did she jump? Did she know how selfish the act was? Did she think about all of the innocent bystanders she was involving in her decision to take her own life? Why didn't she seek out help? If she had sought help, why hadn't it worked? Why did she have to take her own life in such a public, violent way?
Did she suffer? I hope and pray that she didn't suffer. What about the first responders? What about the people who saw her crumpled body on the ground? How long will our suffering endure?
Why was I there to bear witness to this violent act? Is there a purpose in my witness? Or is it just happenstance?
With my degree in psychology, I know a few things about suicide. I know that men are more likely to successfully suicide. I know that men are more likely to suicide in violent ways, like jumping from a building. Joanna, the woman who jumped yesterday, was twenty-four years old. She obviously didn't get the memo that women are statistically speaking significantly less likely to 1. violently suicide and 2. successfully suicide. She succeeded. But why? Was she out of options? Did she feel abandoned and alone? Did she not have insurance to cover the costs of the mental healthcare she desperately needed? Did she have bills to pay and no employment? Could she not bear the weight of being a twenty-something in 2013?
Am I lucky that this is the first instance in which I have seen someone fall from a height and meet their end on the pavement below? Am I lucky that I live in a place where bodies aren't constantly strewn in the streets? Where suicide is a rare occasion, and not a viable option.
Joanna, I am so sorry you felt that there was no other option. I wish I could have known you, spoken to you, told you how much you matter. I wish you knew that the world is a scary place, but that it is also beautiful and worthwhile. I wish the economy didn't suck. I wish you felt like there was hope for you in this world. I wish all of the people who ever hurt you had not hurt you. I wish someone held you tight and told you that you matter more than anything in the world. I wish that if you health was a concern that you were well, and healthy, and not in any pain. It is my fervent hope and belief that you are out of pain, and in the eternal comfort and safety of God, who heals all ill and comforts all broken hearts. May those who witnessed your final act find peace, may they find healing in laying their burdens at the foot of the cross that bears the weight of the world, including your own, Joanna. Be at peace, Joanna. I am so sorry.
